2008 – The Year in Review

Dear Readers,

2008 has all but gone and so comes the time to reflect on the year that was. In many ways the world became a smaller place and, more than any other year, where you lived in the world didn’t seem to matter – we all suffered from the same credit crunch crisis (pick your own neologism – they all sound like a breakfast cereal), we all watched the same films, listened to the same songs on the same i-pods and all wished that Obama had been elected as our head of state (2008 is notable in that it is the first time in a long while - well, 8 years at least - that Europeans have envied Americans).

So what was different in Italy? Not a lot but then as we are currently ranked 54th in the world in terms of media freedom, you couldn’t really tell. Anyway, here are some things, your trusty scribe DID notice on my lonely quest for truth:

POLITICS & CURRENT AFFAIRS:
There were lots of strikes but as public services are so bad anyway – no one noticed.
Berlusconi made lots of gaffes, so many in fact that morons now get angry when he’s refereed to as a moron.
The Pope forgot he was a spiritual leader and continued to push a neo-con agenda. Apparently this single man who lives a cloistered life surrounded by other men knows much more about raising a family than actual parents do.
While waiting in line at the post office to send my Christmas cards I completed my Phd.
As well as drowning in debt, Italians were literally drowning. Flooding in December brought the Tiber perilously close to breaking its banks. Goose stepping through the puddles, Rome’s mayor – the one whose fond of red, black and Wagner – ordered everyone to stay indoors (doh!). Romans instead went to the swollen river banks in their droves to take photos with their mobile phones.
Trenitalia launched a new line of high speed trains between Naples, Rome and Milan. Called the “Red Arrows”, the new trains are an attempt to lure passengers away from the low cost airlines and get them back on to more environmentally friendly trains – though why they are named after a dog’s penis is anyone’s guess. Trenitalia has also significantly reduced delays on its regional services – by adding 8 minutes on to all arrival times.


CINEMA:
Brokeback Mountain was so censored when it screened on Italian television it was scheduled on Animal Planet as a special on sheep farming.
The delightful comedy Juno was released and immediately claimed by the right as an anti-abortion tract, proving that no one on the right actually goes to the cinema anymore.
Italian cinema pulled itself out of its middle class morass (it’s like they’ve been remaking Ordinary People for the last 20 years) and unleashed not one, but two hard hitting, politically charged, visually stunning films on the world – Gomorra and Il Divo. While international audiences watched Matteo Garrone’s exposé of the Camorra through anguished fingers, the film also had a great impact on local audiences – even my beloved stopped sticking recipes into a scrapbook and looked up at the screen long enough to exclaim, “Well, it’s like a documentary really.”


FASHION:
The Credit Crunch meant that Italians were spending less on clothes. In fact many Italians discovered that they could economise by wearing the same Burberry jackets and brown shoes as last year rather than buying new Burberry jackets and brown shoes this year.
Scary Bradshaw launched a lone campaign to bring back the Beret. Ridiculed in London in ’92 for a look that was more ‘Allo ‘Allo than Dizzy Gillespie, my stylish Basque has been more favourably received in Italy although I often do get mistaken for a priest – a misconception I have been reluctant to correct as it often means free veg at the market and queue jumping possibilities at the Vatican Museums.


Now that’s 2008 covered, let’s make a few predictions for 2009:

The European Court of Human Rights will instigate a special “Crimes Against Cinema” division which will ban the following:
films from Italy featuring sex scenes with Nanni Moretti
films from France featuring smug middle class families
films from Britain featuring plucky unemployed Northerners who swim the channel/strip/form brass bands while Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel sing “Make Me Smile (Come Up & See Me Sometime)” on the soundtrack.

Following the success of social networking sites like Facebook, 2009 will see the launch of “Arsebook”. Instead of collecting “friends” it will be a place for collecting those people who really annoy you – Peaches Geldof and lazy bastards who stand still on moving sidewalks. New games such as “How Hairy Is My Arse?” will be introduced, however the “poke” function will be retained.

After years in the pop wilderness (basically because he’s a tit), James Blunt will make a comeback with a follow up to his 2004 hit “You’re Beautiful” called “You’re Quite Nice, Though A Little Bit Overweight.” It will prove so popular that they’ll reopen Woolworths just to sell copies of the CD single. However, Blunt will be kept off the Christmas Number One slot by Katy Perry’s follow up to “I Kissed A Girl”, entitled “I Licked A Girl’s Vagina”.


Now that I’ve managed to use the word “vagina”, I feel that this column is complete.
Happy New Year to you all!

Scary Bradshaw


To read more about our inglorious leader's trail of embarassments go to:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/aug/04/italy.art

This one's a goody!